Sunday, January 23, 2011

sometimes we have to walk away, for a little while.

yesterday morning i woke up, drank coffee and worked out a few pages of research ideas .. until i got stuck and became angry with myself.
maybe this is particular to my personality, but it's hard to do research when i'm depressed, angry, or worried. stress tends to kill my inspiration.

ever since i've been on the job market, i can't seem to focus as well as i should .. as i'd like. i guess i don't deal with uncertainty well.
i was about to tear those pages into shreds:

my hands were set together, gripping the pages tightly,
my wrists were ready to twist into opposite directions ..

.. yet, for some reason, i stopped. suddenly i realised that it's not the maths; it's just me. so i sighed, thought about going running,

[the weather report says it's 15oF outside]

.. but reconsidered (read: shivered involuntarily). grabbing my coat, decided to go on a long walk instead.

i ended up walking for hours and miles, through city streets and city parks. after a while i couldn't stand it anymore.
i tried to distract myself by taking photos with my phone, but after 20 shots or so, my fingers became stiff and i couldn't work the buttons anymore.

the cold had seeped through the soles in my shoes and the fabric of my socks; it started to feel like i was stepping barefoot onto the frozen ground.

my coat wasn't thick enough, not for that length of time. at some point i had to force my teeth to stop chattering because my jaw began to ache.
so i managed my way to a familiar neighborhood, a familiar cafe, and bought a coffee. it took a while to become warm again.

i looked at the flyers for various events -- none of them looked inviting -- but the backs of the papers were blank.

i hesitated ..
but then borrowed a pen, typically meant to sign credit card receipts.

i hesitated ..
but then started writing on the backs of flyers for art exhibitions.

for years i've balked at writing a paper about currεnts on metrιc spaces, because i didn't have many results. of those i had, i didn't think they were good enough.

i've changed my mind.

the results aren't great, but with a few new ones, they are enough. maybe if i write them up, then someone else will read them and do something better with the ideas.

No comments: