on competition (or: why i am absent from events, lately)

a month ago i was ready to register for a 10k race. the last one i ran would have been about 9 years ago, or so. even then, i didn't like my finishing time.

call me curious;
this year, i was willing to attempt the challenge.

the starting gun went off today, at 9am, but i didn't hear it.
i was at home, typing and pausing and re-typing.

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every fall, the department sponsors a picnic in one of the city parks. for postdocs, the entry fee is $5, a nominal thing. i missed it last year.

from what i heard:

they supply the food,
they even splurge for the liquor license.

last week i told some friends and colleagues that i was going,
but as it happened, i lied.

i'm at home, typing and pausing and re-typing.

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i know that the chances of my obtaining an N$F grant are slim, especially when you think about the competition.

yes, i've even accounted for "junior researchers" and within the area of analysιs.

just as in the case of community road races, i never win within my age group. there are always faster people.

i know that i don't look very appealing on paper. i need to change that, especially since the job search is only a year away.

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at any rate, i'm still willing to try. it's making my life hell for a few weeks, but i'll still try. i'm even curious as to how far i'll get.

my work is frustrating, but i like it, and there's some worth in trying to explain why .. if only to an anonymous panel. if there is a good reason why not to like it, then maybe they'll tell me.

the stakes are low, and i'll make the gamble.

besides, if it weren't this, i'd probably be miserable about something else.

heck, 10k races aren't easy, either;
i always feel awful, afterwards.