up, down, up .. again?!?

funny how life works. after writing yesterday's blog post last night, i left to return a few dvds to the local video store. i was walking back, thinking about what i've proven ..

.. and i realised where my flaw in reasoning lies. it's not a proof; there's a misstep.

i knew it.
i knew there was an error.
there are no such things as happy endings.

arggggh.. oh well.
i'll just let it go ..

.. but, of course, i didn't.

---

i dwelt on the obstruction for a while, reading what i wrote and shaking my head. i tried not to think about it, but thought about it anyway. i read a magazine or two but had no interest in it, and when i set down the pages i thought about the flaw again.

sometimes it's no use. i had suspected i was wrong, hoped i wasn't, and in either cased i'd have been an emotional wreck. for a moment i wondered whether one should take a psychiatric evaluation in order to qualify to be a mathematician.

the frustration can eat you alive. that's what it does to me.

how does anyone stay sane in this business? how does anyone cope with setbacks and failures and uncertainty, on a daily or weekly or long-term basis?

why does it bother me so much? why should i be a mathematician if it bothers me so much? this cannot be healthy. maybe my mind is diseased.

so i tried to let it go, and go to sleep. i don't know how i could have believed i could, but part of the point of being an adult is to try anyway ..

.. because sometimes, you don't have a choice.

---

at 1:30am, i had filled a glass of water, drank it, and went back to bed.

at 2:05am, i retreated to the toilet for a while, and went back to bed.

some time later, i had no reason to get up, but i did. i sat in my chair, at my desk, and i stared out the darkened window for a while. then, at some point, i went back to bed.

a few minutes later, it occurred to me.
well, what if the curves are C¹-smooth instead?

so i got up again, and wrote for a while:
5 pages of meandering, scratches, but i managed a rough idea.

huh. that might actually work.
the hell with it: i'm tired.
i'll work it out tomorrow.

so i fell asleep, and woke up late this morning.

---

it might work, but it probably won't. i see some possible trouble spots already, but at least i know where the argument might break down.

i think i can live with that. i wish i could tell you that it all worked out, that i proved a conjecture that isn't mine or the adviser's, but that wouldn't be true.

there are no such things as endings, happy or not,
for life goes on, and on, unsettled and unpredictable.

i wish i could tell you that i learned why i keep at it, keep at mathematics, but i still don't know why, really. i just do.