Saturday, March 26, 2005

not quite mental wanderlust

Nothing much to report today. I think something is fundamentally wrong with my pattern of working and studying, because once again I feel like I'm sinking into another rut. I spin my pen between my fingers between minutes-long sessions of computations, and the ensuing symbols make little sense. I'm not looking at them anymore; now the pen is on the desk and I'm fixated at the random little ink stains on the sides of my fingers.

The List of Things to Do grows longer and the deadlines closer. Despite the time I spend doing this or that, it seems that none of the items on that List ever gets checked or crossed off. Nothing ever gets resolved.

My mind's wandering and I can feel it. I try to re-focus my attention but it only slips away, again and again.

a metal gate,
a broken latch,
a strong and inconstant wind

(counts syllables)

Nope. Not quite a haiku, but it sounded like one. \:

I could ask myself where I'd rather be or what I'd rather be doing right now, but I wouldn't have an answer for that either. I don't feel like travelling and I don't feel like loitering in the Ann Arbor coffeehouses. I could do work, but it doesn't matter either way. I could read a little with the same sentiment.

I feel like a void, empty: no good ideas and no bad ideas. I don't have any ideas or opinions at all. I feel like ashes: the remains which dwell after a fire spreads and consumes, brightly and fiercely, the flames more alive than organisms and kin to the combustion of the sun.

Warm ashes .. I suppose if you touch me, then I'll be warm to the touch.

Writing more won't add any more sense or sentiment, so perhaps I'll stop now. Maybe I'll find some stimulus by wandering just as my mind is wandering .. away from the house and away from the office, towards books and people even if I don't know them very well or at all.

Maybe I'll look up Mother Nature's address, her residence in the color and concrete of Ann Arbor. I'll observe her effects and non-effects in light of industrialisation and post-industrialisation, and ask her her opinions on the matter.

Or maybe I'll just wander aimlessly and thoughtlessly. I might as well work my way up.

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