Friday, July 02, 2010

on research and .. well, "first dates."

this week i've been slightly stir-crazy. after a brief season of traveling and living out of suitcases, i'm not bored yet, not yet bored of my apartment and staying put for the next month. it's not that.

it's the mathematics. a new project's come up, i like the ideas, but still: it's new. it's new enough that i feel flighty and that other ideas for other projects come up. i don't know enough details yet to become attached to this project.

put another way: i'm aware of the unknowns .. only i'm confused, not frustrated. i don't know enough about the subject yet to be frustrated with what i don't know. it's an innocent sort of confusion, a "wait and see" sort of confusion.

strangely enough, it's like dating.

in the old days a new girlfriend, a new relationship, meant that you were excited all the time, happy, off-kilter and prone to slight crazy but romantic things.

then a few years of drama pass. there are:

moments of passion,
silent treatment,
occasional halcyon days,
visions of happy possible futures,
heartbreaks or amity (depending on the chance of fate) ..

.. and suddenly, when you meet someone new, you're still excited of course. as your emotions stretch, though, you realise that the scar tissue around your heart limits your original reach. like it or not, you've learned from your random sampling of experiences ..

.. you won't get absolutely excited until there's a reason to be, and you won't know until later, when you're further in: chickens and eggs.

call me impatient, call me young, but this waiting game drives me nuts. (-:

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