dazed and confused, as maths go by.

my mind felt elsewhere, today. i was up late typesetting a thesis that hasn't been carefully read yet, and i wonder if i was jumping the gun.

i don't know if i slept any, last night. when i got up this morning i felt like i had just closed my eyes for a long time, still awake and waiting for the night to pass. it wouldn't do to work all night; better to wait until morning.

i wonder if it was worth the wait.

when i was typesetting this morning, i felt like a zombie and before i knew it, the second cup of coffee was gone and i needed a third.

i went without it. it made for a very difficult chapter to go through.

---

the season of thesis defenses has begun. i sat in on a friend's defense in algebraic geometry today. for five minutes i wondered what spec of a ring was -- it seems entry-level knowledge for these guys -- and felt out of place.

i play basketball with the speaker on saturdays. we're both mathematicians and i had no clue what he's talking about. everyone else seems to know his language. that's why they're there, of course; they're his colleagues.

i didn't feel stupid .. just out of place.

for the other 45 minutes, i leaned against the wall. if you haven't slept for a while, then concrete begins to feel sturdy and comfortable. to my credit, i never drowsed.

instead i drew in my spiral notebook, and convinced myself again that my idea to solve a conjecture is silly: unambiguously silly.

then i clapped when everyone was clapping. i left the room to let the committee decide -- they passed him -- and i felt distant again, as they left for a little champagne and i to my office and writing my acknowledgments.

---

later that day i listened to two hours of teichmüller theory, in a study seminar. this is a more sensible language for me, but i still have trouble.

i have to remind myself that the elements in Teich(S) are not homeomorphisms, but isotopy classes of homeo's. i wonder why it makes sense that an element in the modular group(?) is a mapping and not a class, and how it can act on an element of Teich(S).

two hmms later, i realize that post-composition is not a big deal, and then i have to see what i missed when i was busy catching up.

huh. what is an irreducible map again?
does it have anything to do with irreducible representations, in algebra?

she [the speaker] hasn't mentioned PSL₂(R) at all.
i must be wrong;
so what could irreducible mean?

all the while that silly idea comes back, and then an older, still silly idea comes to mind. it transforms slightly and i cannot think it through -- not while listening to teichmüller theory, at least.

i can't mentally draw anymore.
not when sleep-deprived, at least.

this many hours later, the newly transformed idea has merit. i see the weak part of the argument and i'm too tired to decide right now.

i should be writing instead, so that the committee has time to read the tome that i'm preparing for them.

i should be sleeping, otherwise tomorrow will be the same.