endings and beginnings.

i feel like an "old" graduate student, even though it's been only..

(winces)
..5 years.

i know quite a few light-hearted sixth-years, and last year i remember a really mellow N-year, where N ≥ 7. they never struck me as "old."

then again, i do recall him saying that he would be happy to be a grad student forever, in ann arbor. i wonder if he really meant it.

i don't know why i so easily feel "old," meaning tired, irritable, worried, resigned, cynical, prone to ranting and giving unsolicited advice of a pessimistic nature.

that's the reason why i feel "old" recently. in the last 24 hours, i've told a few younger kids (i.e. 1st- or 2nd-years) to go home and get some rest.

in retrospect, i realise now that my words are futile. when i was their age, i wouldn't have listened to what i'm saying now.

now that i think about it, i still don't listen to my own advice.

it could just be the end of semester which causes all of this, especially with thanksgiving now over. there is not much time left, and the end is near.

i've seen too many baggy eyes on young faces, and i've encountered too many students with colds or the flu. everyone who's teaching this semester knows exactly how many classes are left to teach.

maybe everyone is tired. i'm tired. i know what comes next in the months to follow: writing feverishly to finish a thesis by the deadlines, sending job applications and worrying about never getting any job offers..

..no matter how many friends, many of which are wiser and cleverer than me, say otherwise..

..and i know that to be tired now means to be very tired later. still, i don't know what to do about it, other than to press on.