well .. i passed.
it was terrible, i looked like a complete idiot, forgot all the mathematics that i should have known since undergrad, couldn't integrate a damn thing, but i passed.
now all i feel is revulsion and hate. funny how the one thing you want is the very thing you can't bear after you have it.
an acquaintance of mine warned me that these latter years were the bleakest for him, pools of depression and gloom and things like that. i didn't realise that he was that right.
EDIT, AS OF LATE TUESDAY NIGHT: thanks to my friends who were around East Hall for their own reasons tonight, listened to me whine and rant, and bantered with me until the evening hours became infeasible.
I feel like a person again .. still a dolt who should have failed his prelim but didn't .. but nevertheless, a dolt who happens to be a person.
5 comments:
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
whatever you say, it's an important milestone and you deserve to treat yourself.
Thanks, Jo.
I wouldn't call it a milestone or a watershed moment. I felt like a mathematical fraud before I ever thought I'd make it to a prelim (much less through the quals), and I still feel like a fraud afterwards.
But now I feel like a fraud who can get back to work .. well, after holiday, that is.
do you ever ponder the logical consequences of your negativity? if you're a mathematical fraud, then i'm far worse...
but of course one's entitled to their emotions--and you said you "feel," not that you are, so that can be fair and accurate!
so i guess this approach can backfire. originally intended as an argument against feeling fraudulent. but now i realize, you may already feel bad for being fraudulent, and now i remind you that other people are fraudulent if you are, so if you open your heart to sympathy you have more mathematical frauds to feel bad for!
o alas! well i hope to see you tonight at katka's shindig. call me if you'd like a ride!
meanwhile i better go study for the final i have to fake my way through! aack! it's the sort of thing that's long behind you, mr. passed-prelim-mathgenuine-to-everyone-but-himself, but a hurdle i still have to stumble through!
if you're a mathematical fraud, then i'm far worse...
Oh, no. I don't mean that. The "people axioms" apply to people, but there are additional "jasun axioms" for the subset of the population that happens to be the singleton {jasun}. q:
Now that you mention it, I prefer the term "imposter" rather than "fraud." I feel like I'm committing a crime when we use the latter word. In contrast, an imposter is just someone who is doing wrong, but not crime .. \:
Good luck with the exam, and have fun at Katka and Richard's! I'm flying out later today .. otherwise I'd join you guys.
re your end comment--happy to hear you feeling the relation {jasun} \subset {people}! it's an important one :D
ok merry festivus and new year, as i won't see you until 2006!
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