part of me wonders ..
- if this is unconscious disappointment in myself: i wanted to wake up early and get a good start,
(despite a late night of friends, beer, revelry, and a propane bbq grill)
but it's already a dismal start and from this, what follows will only be salvage. - if my mood reflects the weather outside. the last two days were warm and sunny, one of them humid. today is cool and cloudy grey: fine weather, despite a little rain drizzle.
it reminds me of pittsburgh weather and those happy times.
but it is hard to hold to absolutes, and not compare relatively: yesterday made such a fine evening, and today there is a comfortable yet uneasy chill in the air.
over the past few weeks i've written notes on many pages, and having no inclination or mind for mathematics today, it was a conveniently productive task to do.
it's startling. it's like reading my old journals from younger years, but these are instead of the mathematical sort.
there are all sorts of digressions into separate questions related or unrelated to my work, at hand. some of these read like ambitions and others like delusions of grandeur.
i didn't realise how much i filter, when talking research with the advisor. with him i stick to the successes and the instructive failures: the notions that make worthwhile meeting time.
some notes from a day, two weeks ago, contained a flaw in reasoning. it took a few days of further, confusing notes and scratch-work before i deduced there was an error.
revising my ideas, this destroyed the fleeting, hopeful fancies of what this flaw would have implied. so i forgot them, and with them i forgot a few good ideas which became 'guilty by association.'
[1] yes, i missed the defense that i mentioned, yesterday. so much for honor. \:
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