this is turning into week three of trying to understand a proof that is only two paragraphs long (and maybe an estimate, but not much more). i've been working day after day and overall there's a little progress, but the big picture isn't fully clear to me yet.

yes: it is something important and worth knowing, but i can't quite detect whether i'll be able to extract anything new from the argument or prove anything new or make a useful observation.

so even 'victory' won't really be victory. we will gain nothing, but merely regain the certainty in something already known.

there will be something, maybe another lead after this proof is settled. between the advisor and me, something will turn up; i believe it. there are always questions, even if i cannot think of them as quickly or easily as others can.

life goes on, wherever it's going.

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october turns into november, and if i'm still on the five-year plan, there's about a year's time left on the clock. a year before i'm supposed to be ready to look for jobs.

i'm still nowhere. i spent between 12 and 14 months on the first thesis problem, which is sunk, and after 2 months i've no real progress on this second one. nothing, except a souped-up example which lends nothing to a good theory.

two months is nothing, and yes, i'm impatient. but i don't know what i'm looking for or where this project will go and honestly, i don't know if i'll succeed. this is a dark time in my life ..

.. yet one day, somehow i'm supposed to look back to now and think about how much free, unhindered time i have and why i was so worried over nothing. if time travel were possible, i think i'd travel to that future and punch my future self for being so nostalgically saccharine and dismissive. smug bastard.

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i don't feel tired, but it sounds like i am.