the verdict is in.

first of all, let me make this clear: i respect the NSF. the organization has funded many of my colleagues and so doing, indirectly funded me for many travels and other benefits.

that said ... arghhhh !!!!!

two years in a row, two refusals in a row.
(so, no: no nsf grant this year.)

honestly, i don't know what to do. part of me wants to leave the united states so that i don't have to do this again, next year. each time i lose a month of the year .. and for what?

rejection?

i could have saved myself a lot of grief, worked harder on my job applications, made better progress on a few preprints.

honestly, i think they think i'm stupid:

For this part it is not clear what the research capability is of the proposer independent of the PI. The panel felt that the Co PI needs an independent track record for a recommendation of funding.

so they think that i'm incapable of doing my own research.

also: This an ambitious proposal by a postdoc.
and: This is a strong proposal for a postdoc.

emphasis on the word: "postdoc."

apparently they had to qualify that a postdoc is doing this .. which i take to mean: the questions are good, but we don't think you're smart enough to solve these problems.

sometimes i don't even know why i bother anymore ..