bitterness.

for a while i believed that if i don't write much about the job search, then i won't be bothered as much by it. that's not the case.

i think about the future often.

it makes me uneasy, just as it did months ago and years ago.
the only difference is that there's nothing i can do about it now.

the most i can do is keep working and enjoy the remaining time left in this postdoc.

i think a lot about the things that i should have done differently. i never used to think about questions like:

is this a good area of research to work in?
what will make me more competitive for future grants or jobs?

even now, these questions don't come naturally to me.
it takes active effort for me to concentrate on them.

i don't know if i'm particularly bad at it either, or if this is a weakness for most mathematicians. in every other discipline, academic or not, this kind of naiveté probably destroys careers.

what i really want to say is that:

i feel betrayed by the economy and all the university departments that have slashed their budgets and kept their hiring freezes;

i'm envious of those lucky few who tie up all the job offers from the top-tier schools, even if i stand no chance of making those short lists;

i'm angry with myself, with my foolish idealism and delusions. i curse those mistakes and oversights that cost me more than i know.

sometimes all i feel is bitterness.