i think i have been lazy for too long. since last week tuesday i have not been working diligently -- perhaps i spend some few hours working, each day, but those are negligible.
i might as well be recalling what i did the day before, plan a little more, but not get my hands dirty at all. that's no way to work.
the weekend nears, and after that there is a conference. after that, i see my family for 1.5 weeks. so there are only a few days left in ann arbor, where i have complete freedom to work as i like.
so i've squandered a week and some days.
i guess that's not much, but it's led to this.
what can i do in a weekend? i want to write a paper ..no, two papers.. and what could i accomplish in two days? i want to think about a joint project, ponder the subtleties, and how can i get into a groove, in two short days?
but there's the fallacy, you see: the illusion that your goal is too big to fit in such a small window of time. sure, it looks hopeless ..
.. until you realise that goals are never atomic.
goals are always a sequence of sub-goals,
which are further sub-sequences of tasks
..and iterating..
they are large but finite sequences of trivial errands.
a lot of errands can be done in one day, and i have two days. sure, i promised to meet friends tomorrow and have a bit of fun, but this is not to say that i have no time for goals.
if these goals are worth doing at all, then there will be time for them.
i think i am too used to being worried and frustrated and pessimistic. everyone tells me to be optimistic, and occasionally i try it out. when i do and when it works, i realise again how empowering it is ..
.. until it lasts, anyway.
on an unrelated note, i met with my mathematical sibs today. they have ambition, they have less fear than i do. from their suggestion we thought about a conjecture together.
it's something i'd have never suggested, myself. during other summers, i might have suggested we read a paper together, learn a little something. then from our lessons, see if we can go just a little further and prove something new.
goals are one thing; dares are another.
i don't dare conjectures. call it residual pessimism, but
having tried on my own,
thinking about this open problem or that,
and going absolutely nowhere,
i don't have much stomach to dare anymore.
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