emails, writing, kindness of strangers.

this morning i did nothing but write emails, albeit to mathematicians and fellow math grad students. i felt a bit like a bureaucrat (even though i've never been or witnessed one) and it was a little productive.

then again, there is much to write. what i have in mind is correct, but when it comes to mind, it stretches past the corners of my eyes and covers what i can see of the horizon. as geometers we know this is no test for infinity or immensity, but the human part of me falls for this, every time.

i know it's not an impossible task,
but that doesn't mean that it won't kill me;
i also know that it can't possibly kill me,
though i don't know why, exactly.

it just won't.


i know that once i begin, once i write something, then my intent will crystalise. i'll read that first attempt, then say:

"zounds! that looks terrible!"

and i'll know what will be better, in words or in structure. then my mind will turn its gears, form its machinations, and then progress will follow.

but first, i must begin.

---

sometimes i feel condemned to be a kind and generous person, happy to help. it's because too many people have done me much good.

i cannot count how many have been kind and generous to me, in the world of mathematics. not to follow their example would take away from their efforts.


for example, it's why i bother teaching well (or trying to, anyway) when all else tells me to give up.

if i don't, then my old teachers will have tried in vain, because how many of my fellows -- those students when i was a student, too -- how many of them will teach, and train the next generation?

this is no secret: it's a mostly thankless job. in most cases it doesn't pay well. often students will never appreciate their teachers at the time they are taught, just as children don't appreciate their parents when they are being raised. curiosity is is natural and learning is natural, but it is hard to captivate the student with lessons when there are so many other distractions and alternatives that a young person can reach.

but i cannot teach badly, in good faith.


among others, the u.s. marines have a saying: the price of success is continued success.

perhaps what i mean is: the price of kindness is continued kindness.