doubts.

at random times during last few months, i've been wondering one thing:

is mathematics really for me?
say i leave it all behind; what would i do, instead?

it seems important enough to say out loud .. or at least make a blog post. the problem with asking such questions is that people think the worst of them ..

.. or perhaps i only think they do.

i've said my piece about doubts and questions before, from a previous post:

questions do not erode good foundations; they only show us which parts are worn and rotten, so that we may build better foundations ..

.. and even if the foundation breaks, then how well-built could it have possibly been?

so the doubts linger. i might be more productive without them, but they having some purpose, i can't bring myself to dismiss them without resolving them utterly.

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for the record, i don't know what i'd do if i left mathematics. the first thing which came to mind was to become a math and computer science teacher.

despite the stress and cynicism, it would be a good thing to act on the opinions that i've formed, over the years: that kids don't learn good mathematics in school anymore, and that the problem of innumeracy permeates to universities.

on the other hand, i don't think i would be a good teacher. i lack the patience and tolerance needed to be a mentor, and my nurturing skills are woefully shot. over the years i've become too cold-blooded and dispassionate, i think.

it just goes to show you that sometimes the first thought isn't always the wisest. \: