// originally written: 16 october 2012
one of the risks in staying in this business ..
.. not that i ever had a backup plan or anything ..
.. is that one grows older, more young people arrive into the game, and by default one's status becomes a more senior one (even if not formally so). like it or not, we become role models of a kind .. especially in university environments, where one encounters a lot of students.
i wonder how often others meet us, and we are immediately viewed as "old."
this very phenomenon played a decisive part in my decision to extend this postdoc position for another year .. not the "old" part, i mean. (i'm fine with that.) rather, the seniority and responsibility seemed very real to me.
i still don't know if it feels right to be Professor Geminus yet instead of just Janus, but i can't put it off forever. we all need to grow up, i suppose .. or at least enough of us, if only to make sure that the world keeps turning.
--- o ---
i don't think i make a very good role model.
[1] it's not just
the circumstances of my last talk, either, though that was a rare exception. there's more to it.
some mornings, as the coffee slowly wakes me up, the thought occurs to me:
i can't believe it: despite all the bad strokes of luck,
all the stupid mistakes i've made .. i'm still in the game.
i dwell on this a while, honestly stunned. (then, of course, i set aside such thoughts and get to work .. but you get my point.)
maybe i've met too many talented and well-organised mathematicians, which probably warps my sense of what "average" means in this business
[2]. at any rate, many of my colleagues have successfully applied for research grants, make excellent mentors, give fine presentations, and work on many different sub-fields.
in contrast, to this day i still don't feel like i know what i'm doing.